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Wonky
Her eyes don't look in the same direction. Her teeth look like they were thrown at her face and stuck where they fell. When she talks, she always sounds like she's about to burst into tears. And when she laughs, there are no stoved brides' faces, no dead children walled-up in attics, no shadows to be walked in, no crosses to bear, and no insidious unchecked lumps. And she laughs often.
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Smutty Friday
She stopped running at the gate and leant against it. She was panting, and light beads of sweat dripped down between the cleavage of her perfectly-formed perky breasts. She flicked her raven hair out of her face, and carried on into the courtyard. As the farmer who resembled Orlando Bloom stepped into the yard, his muscular pectorals peeking out from between the remaining buttons on his checked shirt, the wind caught her summer skirt, revealing her lacey Agent Provocateur French knickers clinging tightly to her yearning mound. She gasped. He pulled her to with his strong, assertive, muscular arms.
"You like having sex with strange farmers you've never met before, don't you ?"
She didn't need a second invitation. She dropped to her knees, unzipped the front of his tatty cords with a slight whiff of feculence, and took his tumescing member into her hungry mouth. As she bobbed her head back and forth, slobbering about his hard, perfectly-formed, muscular manhood, he patted her head and whispered "you like livestock, don't you ?"
She didn't need a second invitation. He led her to the sty, and she hopped over the short wall. A hunky, muscular, perfectly-formed pig approached her, grunting seductively. She felt her lust and complete lack of self-respect flooding into her loins. She dropped to her knees, and uncurled his tightly-coiled, perfectly-formed pighood, and...
Sorry, I can't believe I'm writing this. It's ridiculous. Feel free to go to other blogs. There are a few out there of some merit. Not many, but a few.
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Demonically Hunky Honky
Seriously considering breaking up with my bitch. Whenever a pretty girl looks at me and audibly moistens - which is all of the time - the more I see flaws in myself and The Cunt's relationship.
Trouble is that she, her family and her pets all flatter my vanity, her flatmates want to fuck me, and she gives great blowjobs. But I am a man, and hence it is my prerogative to pollinate with as many bitches as possible. I will not be tied down. Or rather I might, by the right rope-wielding sexy lady.
So what am I going to do ? Listen to my head, or to my cock ? Sorry - that's just one option, isn't it ?
The Honky x
*NB : Any use of long words whilst parodying 20Sixers is purely coincidental, and no offence is intended by the inference of any perspicacity on the target's part.
Hur-hur... part.
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A penny a day
I watched 'Saw' the other night. It is fucking shit. But possibly worth it for the fact that - whilst my brain was treading around in a place populated by crunch, rasp and splat - I ventured into the bathroom for a leak break, and envisaged my housemate's dismembered head bobbing about in the bowl, unable to flush. I see it in there most times I go now. His severed beardy bonce always makes me smile; and sometimes I go even when I don't need to.
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Pun(ch)
Captain Morgan approaches Bacardi at a party, furrows his brow, and says "it's a rum do".
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Goodbye Cruel World
I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me. This blog malarkey and I, well... we've had some fun together. But now we must part, like the jilted lovers we are. So so long. Farewell. Auf wiedersehen. Adieu.
See ya tomorrow xxx
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A Blush Of Crud To The Head
It's back! Let the world know that you want to rip off Sammyface and/or OliverBrightSide's underwear here! Anyone harbouring cravings for anyone else in the blogosphere can fuck off!
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Abercwmsteffan Criminal Lawyer
Gwgl Alert for: Criminal Defense Attorney in AbercwmsteffanFarmer Gwydion Rhys-Evans fence vandalism caseLlangethstiniog Journal - Bro Ffestilli
... counsel, Ifor Bevan, a former Welsh attorney in Abercwmsteffan ... While the defense relied heavily on scattered Fruit Pastilles ... Slavering junkie scumbags sharing dildos ...
W.I. member punches chair over burnt Welsh CakesPwllmeirion Herald - Abergwythmoddwyth
... to become a routine basis for justifying criminal conduct ... continued kicking her long after she'd lost consciousness. ... Gareth Bleddyn, a spokesman for the Abercwmsteffan Attorney's Office in ...
This as it happens Gwgl Alert is brought to you by Dai The Law, and Jenkins The Fish. Remove this alert.
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The Wait
He's been in this room once before. It is more populous this time round. There is a loud buzz, and a name and room number are displayed on an electronic board. Someone gets up. He rubs his hands together. He doesn't realise that he's shuffling his feet as well.
A woman with a stick sits next to him. She hums of menthol cigarettes. Every so often she makes a loud half-swallowing half-breathing sound. He knows she can't help it; yet each on causes his body to rigidify, his hands clasped together like nailed boards.
There is a loud buzz, and he sees a name he recognises. He alights from his chair, and makes an about turn through a door and into a corridor. There is a junction. He follows his number. Opposite his allocated door, a woman sits wiping her eyes with a handkerchief. When she sees he is about to sit and face her, she stands and walks away. The rest of the corridor is empty. Now only a block of wood stands between him, a scalpel, and up to fourteen days of indeterminacy.
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The Daily Fuckface
Here at The Daily Fuckface, we're going to get righteous about the NHS's desire not to WASTE money that would be better spent providing actual treatment to patients on BIBLES. They say they don't wish to spread MRSA or offend other religions. It's POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD! We're going to ignore the argument that BIBLES are a placebo for the weak-spirited (because we don't even KNOW what that means!), and that it's disingenuous in the extreme to sell terminals down the river with tales of an afterlife as an easy way to get them to come to terms with their own fear of death, because THAT'S THE WAY KNEE-JERK NEWSPAPER SELLING WORKS!
National Health Service ? NATIONAL WEALTH SERVICE, more like. Always thinking of the money. The Daily Fuckface says No! And thrice NO! Pay for our fucking BIBLES, Goddamnit!
Don't forget that at 10pm tonight, Television X : The Fantasy Channel will be showing the best of our gorgeous British nurses doing what they do best - SUCKING PULSING, HARD COCKS FOR JESUS. So be sure to subscribe.
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Horny Hats
For Dribbly...
I know tapestry hats make you drool... Bet you like this saucy little number.
...And here's another sexy hat :
Regular caps are sooo much sexier when fitted with a naturally-heating urine sample. Rowr.
And, for me :
I can't get enough of Puritan hats. Just looking at it makes my heart race, and I can hear the witches' screams in my ears. If I put one on now, I'd probably not be able to stop geysering for a month.
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Stupid Notions To Which I've Been Privy Recently
1. 'The council are opening up a public footpath on my land. This has involved taking down my gate and fencing, and putting in a turnstile. No public footpath existed here previously. I have evidence of this from numerous sources, including a by-law demarcating the original footpath, and the testimony of local landowners aged in their seventies. However, I suck at articulating my case. So how do I plan to proceed ? Not with solicitors, that's for sure. Mother has had problems with their sort in the past.'
2. 'I have a new boyfriend, who has shelled out a pretty penny to fly me over to London, for a romantic five-day break. My ex-boyfriend lives in the UK. I think I'll invite him along too.'
3. 'I think I'll move in with the most boring weirdos I know.'
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